First - let me say that I do not mean to embarrass you with this; however, I do believe that it is a father's prerogative to allow my emotions to overwhelm myself at certain points of my life. The opportunity to begin the next chapter of your life as you enter into adult-hood is one of them.
It is because this means that my chapter as your father is going to begin changing as well. So be patient with me, because if I’m crying while writing this, I will most certainly be crying as you read it. A father’s love knows no bounds and neither does his sadness as my first born son moves onto the next phase of his life, without me holding his hand every step of the way.
I’ve been thinking about how we have sort of grown up together. I wasn't a parent before you came along and so I've had to do most of my learning, and failing, with you. When you were born, I was scared to death. I was only 23 and had no clue how to be a parent. Until that baby is in my arms, I can’t quite fathom the panic that sets in with all the responsibility looming ahead, but at the same time, I experience this unimaginable joy and love. Unconditional love… from the first look in your eyes and the first time your little fist wrapped around my finger. I was instantly in love with you. I remember standing for hours by your crib, just looking at you. I was in awe that such a precious, perfect little baby was mine. I was so in love that I would just cry sometimes as I held you. Some nights I would get up just to hold you while you slept. I felt like I was the luckiest father alive to have you as my son.
Parenting you has been the ride of a lifetime. I wouldn’t trade it or give up a second I’ve spent with you, worrying about you, loving you and arguing with you. It’s been 13 years of pure emotion: love, joy, worry, anger, frustration, terror. Sometimes the emotion isn’t even mine, but yours. When you’re excited, happy or, worse, heartbroken, I feel those things, too. Ever since you were born, I worried and wondered about whether or not I was being the best parent I could be. Did I make you feel important? Did we find enough time for the little things that live on in happy memories - like laughter, and hugs, and "just-between-us" moments? Did I show you enough that you mean the world to me? And, more importantly, did you always know I loved you, even when I was angry at you? I hope I’ve given you enough and made you feel loved.
Sometimes I just stare at you when you aren’t paying attention… and sometimes you catch me. Why do I do that, you wonder? There are lots of reasons. I'm staring because it amazes me that someone as handsome, funny, loving and smart as you is my son. I think, how did I get so lucky?! I'm staring at you with hope, because I know that you're sensitive and sometimes a clueless, naive kid…and because I know that the world you're moving into can be unpredictable and cruel at times.
I just hope that I’ve given you enough from everything to make it in this world without too much difficulty. The biggest reason I'm staring is because I know that our time together is short as I can be next to you everyday. There will (hopefully) some girl who steals your heart, some other matter in life that keeps you busy. So knowing that my opportunities to teach and influence are so slow down to only the occasional visits and holidays, makes me sad.
I find myself frantically wondering if I've covered all the bases, told you all the things I wanted you to know…and wondering, too, if you ever truly listened. I hope you did. Ultimately, I want you to be responsible for your own life. It’s a scary concept, isn’t it? Your happiness, your fortune, and your emotional well-being all essentially belong to you to control and steer. At this point I will keep holding your hand and I expect to do so to some extent for some time. I am nervous for you, but at the same time glowing with pride about the young teenage that you have grown to be.
Follow your dreams. Never give up on something you desperately want. Ever. Don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made in life. You are my first-born and I want great things for you. You are love and all things good in my heart. When you hurt, I hurt. When you have joy, I have joy. Of all the things in my life that I might have, could have or should have done differently, there's one thing I'd never change, and that's having you for a son... If I didn't always find a way to say it, I hope I always showed it - I'm proud to be your father and I love you with my heart and soul.
Happy 13th Birthday My Baby Boy. I love you…forever.
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